SHAME

My mother is a lovely woman in many ways. But one horrible thing I learned from her is the shame game. Masterful manipulation. All ways of parenting that I abhorred when they were happening TO me but somehow I can't stop myself from DOING.

My big kid is just that. Big and little. She's stuck in limbo land of pre womanhood. You remember that time? The earth's axis resting fatefully on your emotional whims?!? Some of you/us still live that way. On top of this the girl has more powerful hormones than I do so her cycle directly triggers my own. We end up with about a week of pure hormonal hell. She's a jerk and I'm a bigger jerk because when she's a jerk, I'm a jerk back AND excuse myself because I have the power.

She just came to apologize and while I let her, I used the opportunity to ream her. To rub it in. To masterfully manipulate. I hate myself. So now I have a vice grib headache, throbbing ovaries AND no soul.

I really want God to transform this part of my life. I want to be healed from this cycle of anger. To act like an adult and not be so defensive when I'm sinned against. I want to be able to humbly correct my daughter as she needs it, allow the Holy Spirit to convince her of her sin and then offer forgivenesss. No strings attached. Lovingly. You know?? The way God does with me.

As much as this pains the private/prideful side of myself, I am going to be as honest about this crap as I can. I need to be held accountable by the people that love us both. Because if I can't allow God's love to change me, how do I expect her to change. Will-power and discipline will not make her love and depend on God. Neither will being shamed by her mother.