FEAR

I stopped puking five days ago. Five terrifying days ago. Why so scary? Because I fear this is the beginning of the end. Even worse, I had a fairly optimistic midwife appointment yesterday. Which feels more dooming than encouraging.

I am almost 16 weeks pregnant after 6 years of infertility and several miscarriages (only one of noteworthy length). When I lost my first baby, I was 17 weeks and had finally stopped puking.

Get the connection?

I have such mixed feelings about this process. I want to protect my kids, my joe, my friends (who are my family) and yet I am dying inside everyday. I have been the picture of upbeat and smiley. And yet--every kind word, every congratulations, every blind-faith-of-course-God-will-let-THIS-baby-live sentiment is slowly killing me. Why do I have to be the one to remind people not to get too excited-- that there are no fucking guarantees in life?

I know that people think that God owes it to me. That he did a miracle and of course it will all work out. That somehow because we have adopted kids we are being rewarded with a bio kid.* I think that's crap. I know God's involved, but he could just as easily be seeing how much I can take. . . How much I will trust Him. . . How will I handle suffering this time around. It's all for his glory. Whether I have a baby or not at the end.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Please being praying for me and this baby. Please don't expect me to be happy OR morbidly apprehensive the next time we meet. Just allow me to be whatever I am. I need to be able to BE without worrying about how you will react.


* By the way--this line of thinking and comments leads me to believe that some people view a bio child as superior to an adopted child. BUT I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. My kids are a blessing and the joy of my life.