The Misguided Sainthood of Mrs. Kleiner

Trying to get it right with the best of intentions.

Name:
Location: Seattle, Washington

I have been married to the delicious Joe Kleiner for 6 years. I got preg in 1999 & miscarried at 17 weeks. I was depressed for a very long time. I now know I have PCOS, an endocrine disorder and leading cause of infertility. Joe and I both felt compelled to adopt foster children so we called ANTIOCH ADOPTIONS. They are committed to helping normal people adopt & to getting kids out of foster care. Our kids came home in the fall of 2001. Bret (8), Nene (7), and Tony (5). In 2004 we were contacted because the kids had a new biological sister and through God's amazing providence we now have her too. Yes, that's four-ages 12, 10, 9 and 1. This is where the mythology begins. Often people who don't know us hold to an erroneous and misguided belief that I am special, a saint if you will. That THEY would never be able to live my life. That God has not CALLED THEM to fostering or adopting. I disagree with every cell of my being. I am no saint. But I do believe that Jesus calls us ALL to care for the fatherless, to love the unlovable, and to die to ourselves. So this is my attempt to set the record straight.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

FEAR

I stopped puking five days ago. Five terrifying days ago. Why so scary? Because I fear this is the beginning of the end. Even worse, I had a fairly optimistic midwife appointment yesterday. Which feels more dooming than encouraging.

I am almost 16 weeks pregnant after 6 years of infertility and several miscarriages (only one of noteworthy length). When I lost my first baby, I was 17 weeks and had finally stopped puking.

Get the connection?

I have such mixed feelings about this process. I want to protect my kids, my joe, my friends (who are my family) and yet I am dying inside everyday. I have been the picture of upbeat and smiley. And yet--every kind word, every congratulations, every blind-faith-of-course-God-will-let-THIS-baby-live sentiment is slowly killing me. Why do I have to be the one to remind people not to get too excited-- that there are no fucking guarantees in life?

I know that people think that God owes it to me. That he did a miracle and of course it will all work out. That somehow because we have adopted kids we are being rewarded with a bio kid.* I think that's crap. I know God's involved, but he could just as easily be seeing how much I can take. . . How much I will trust Him. . . How will I handle suffering this time around. It's all for his glory. Whether I have a baby or not at the end.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Please being praying for me and this baby. Please don't expect me to be happy OR morbidly apprehensive the next time we meet. Just allow me to be whatever I am. I need to be able to BE without worrying about how you will react.


* By the way--this line of thinking and comments leads me to believe that some people view a bio child as superior to an adopted child. BUT I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. My kids are a blessing and the joy of my life.

5 Comments:

Blogger Shana said...

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I keep a blog listing pregnant bloggers and have added you to the list. Please let me know if you'd like to be removed or if I need to change any information. http://thebabyregistry.blogspot.com

Thanks, and congrats again.

9:15 AM  
Blogger Beth Easter said...

I am so glad you are writing about this. I will try and learn to be that friend to you. I love you my sister, my friend. Beth

12:50 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Thank you for being honest about this. You have my love and prayers.

Jenny

8:01 AM  
Blogger vwsista said...

Here is a big cyber hug to you. Best wishes.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Jen F said...

Could you read my mind/heart more? "And yet--every kind word, every congratulations, every blind-faith-of-course-God-will-let-
THIS-baby-live sentiment is slowly killing me. Why do I have to be the one to remind people not to get too excited-- that there are no fucking guarantees in life?"

This quote has become my life. Except in my case it's the excitement and congratulations with every somewhat encouraging doctors appointment. As if suddendly God is making everything "fine" again and we can all quit being so morbid. People look at me like "why are you so damn pessimistic?"

Last month when I was reading a book by Patricia Gaffney, I came across this quote: "sometimes kindness is as excruciating as cruelty".

8:48 AM  

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