SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

I took Nor in for what I suspected was an ear infection yesterday. I was wrong.

But guess what? While you're here why don't you catch up on all her vaccinations? You know you're behind right? (insert snide, condescending voice of annoyingly skinny pediatrician here)

I tried to explain that I had discussed it with my regular ped; that I had done research; that I had a plan and wasn't an ignoramus...but in the end I felt like an idiot and had them done. I was planning on doing them--I just wasn't prepared for them that day. You see, I need more preparation than Nor does. She just needs a few Dora stickers and a sucker and she's good to go. Me, I need a valium, or shot...of tequila or something. NONE of which I'm allowed to have. So I went cold turkey and let the nurse go for it.

It broke my heart. And last night when she was crying and saying her "pokey's hurt" it broke again. But today she is fine. She's munching on cereal and watching Dora and all is well. We have both mended.

I can't stop thinking about my niece. She's due to be born some time at the end of June. She does not have a name yet, but she is already causing quite a stir. You see, her heart is broken too. But there may not be a way to mend it.

I can't wait to meet her and yet she is so safe where she is I'd be fine if she stayed there indefinitley. My brother and my Jenny are handling themselves so beautifully it hurts to watch. I feel like a total idiot around them (saying all the wrong things, having too many oppinions, being a dummy most of the time) --but mostly it's because my grief and loss over this little girl is staggering. I look at her brother and I try to imagine her little face. I pray every second for a miracle. And I trust that she is created in the image of God and for His purposes. But my heart is still breaking.

I have never been good at dealing with grief. I think I've mentioned that before. I want to do it right this time. But I can't even handle watching Nor get shots. Let alone what lays ahead for this baby girl.

I need you God. I need your strength. I need your wisdom. I need anything you can send my way.